So come to find out, this is how it works.
At first you go to the Health Department so they can do soil samples and tell you what you need to do to improve your lot for septic, ’cause you don’t want turds floating around in your backyard and hey, I get it.
Then, when the Health Department comes back with their site evaluation-saying you’re gonna have to truck in 70 or 80 truckloads of sand and fill to make your home the turd-free place you want it to be and you say, shitmotherfucker- OK?-’cause you don’t have any choice, right?
So then you say- can I pay for my septic permit ($225) and well permit ($400) now? Please?
And they say-
And then they laugh their big hearty laughs- HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
They say- first you have to go to the newly formed Soil Conservation Office, ’cause you’re, you know, adding soil and stuff, and so you go to the newly formed Soil Conservation Office and when you do, they tell you you’re gonna need one of their newly formed Land Disturbance Permits.
And so you ask- swallowing hard and choking back dirty words- ’cause you’re gonna have to work with these folks for the next several months, you say- umm, err, (trying to be respectful) what is it I need to do, to get a Land Disturbance Permit?
And the man, who I am sure was the previously unemployed half-brother or uncle or friend of the guy at the Health Department, says you gotta get an engineered site plan and submit it to me, the newly formed Soil Conservation Department, prior to getting the septic permit that’ll allow you to get the building permit that’ll allow you to actually BUILD something that, you know, looks like a HOUSE.
And you wonder why there’re people in towers with rifles.
So anyway, that’s where we stand- or sit- on a bulldozer with the motor gently idling, a long line of sand-filled dump trucks stretching out to the horizon and wondering why they gotta make it so hard.