Monthly Archives: April 2012

On Sunday I called the boys into the Me Only Room.

Guys, I said. We need to talk.

They sat, looking at me a little suspiciously, and Cutter said, what about?

Guys, I said, you know my brother and his little cupcake are moving in with us, right?

Cutter and Tug shrugged, if, you know, dogs could shrug, and Cutter said, so?

What you don’t know, I said, is that my brother’s little cupcake is bringing her cat with her and she’s really worried about how you guys are going to get along with Sebastian.

Cutter and Tug looked at one another, ears cocked and eyes glistening, and then they both turned to me and Tug said, we’ll get along GREAT! We LOVE cats!

YEAH, Cutter said enthusiastically, they taste just like chicken!

Guys, I said, rubbing my forehead. I should have known.

Tug turned back to Cutter and said, whaddya call a hundred dead cats on the bottom the pool?

SOUP!!, Cutter yelped, and they both broke up laughing bwwaaaahahahahahahaha!!

Guys, I said through gritted teeth, trying to be patient.

Cutter wiped his eyes and looked at Tug. Check it bro, he said. What goes meow, bumpthumpitybump, meow, bumpthumpitybump? he asked his littermate.

Tug barely squeezed out, a cat bouncing down the stairs!, before they both collapsed into another fit of laughter.

C’mon guys, I said. This is serious.

Wait, wait, Tug said, sitting up and pawing Cutter’s shoulder with his paw. How ’bout this one? What should every kitten be wearing?, he said.

A sandwich roll!!! Cutter said, and they both dissolved into another paroxysm of hilarity.

I hate you guys, I said resignedly.

They were rolling around on the floor of the Me Only Room laughing when Miss Carol walked in. What’s so funny? she asked.

You don’t wanna know, I said, watching Cutter and Tug high-five one another. But I’m guessin’ they’re gonna like Sebastian just fine, I said.

Miss Carol smiled at me and said, oh, good.

I loved MR.GREENE. Loved his magnificent hugeness, loved his diesel, loved all his lights, loved his leather, loved him. In a, you know, manly way.

But I hated his cost.

The thing they don’t tell you when you fall in love with something the size of MR.GREENE. is just how much that love-largesse is gonna cost you and believe you me, it’s lots and lots- his oil changes were $125 and every 12 or 13 miles he’d guzzle another gallon of $4 diesel. Oh, and let’s don’t forget his truck payment and insurance.

I loved him but I needed to let him go.

I’d been looking for something a little less grandiose for the last several months whilst I reveled in HIS hugeness. I’d driven H2’s, H3’s, Jeeps, Nissan X-Terra’s and honestly? All were ho-hummers. It was like, hey, whatever, if it’s not my beloved MR.GREENE. why bother?

But then last week as I was leaving the hospital I saw a Cooper Mini in the doctor’s parking lot and went over and looked at it’s littleness. It was kinda cute in a teeny tiny way. I figured I could fit two of ’em in MR.GREENE.‘s truck bed.

Driving home that afternoon I remembered that there’s a Cooper dealership on the way and decided to stop and find out more about these silly little cars. I pulled into the lot, being careful not to roll over any of the Mini’s on display, and was met by one of the salesguys as I climbed down from MR.GREENE. We talked, he answered my questions about the cute little go-karts that BMW’s Cooper division call cars, and I decided to take one out for a test drive.

And I was flippen’ smitten.

I haven’t had that much fun driving in, like, forever. I got back to the dealership, tucked Little Miss Teeny Tiny up under my arm like a surfboard and ran inside.

I’ll take her, I said to the salesguy, holding Little Miss Teeny Tiny out in front of me so he’d know which one I wanted.

We worked out the boring trade-in and financial and insurance details and I took my new little girlfriend home. She’s tiny and teeny, but with her back seats folded down she’s big enough to carry my tools and the type of materials I need and I’ve ordered a roof rack for her. She’s the perfect little work vehicle at half the cost and three times the gas mileage. And she’s cute.

When Miss Carol got home and saw her, she sighed and said, just don’t let the dogs play with that in the house, ok?

Very funny.

A weird thing happened to me the other day.

I was working in this doctor’s office, a doctor’s office full of old people, when one of the exam room doors slid open and this old black guy came out into the narrow hand-hold railinged hallway followed by an even older black guy.

And instead of ignoring me and going about their business or their day, the first old black guy stopped and looked at me and said-

Whaddya call more than one mouse?

Mice, I said.

He seemed impressed.

Whaddya call more than one goose?

Geese, I said.

He beamed.

OK smart guy, whaddya call more than one moose?

Mooses, I said.

He laughed and said the strangest thing.

Enjoy your life, he boomed laughing, and escorted his father out into the reception area.

And I don’t know why, but I just loved that.

Enjoy your life.

Honestly.

Cutter will eat anything. He eats apples, carrots, grapes, pears, tomatoes, anything.

Tonight I was standing in the kitchen looking down at him and I had to laugh. We’d just finished dinner and Cutter had had carrots and dog biscuits and cucumber and he was still relentlessly wanting more.

You’re relentless, I said.

Don’t you ever get tired?, I asked, joking.

Dude, he said, sitting and settling. Tug circled and sat next to him- never a good sign.

Dude, he said again, admonishing me. Think about it. I have thumbless paws. I’m totally reliant on you and Miss Carol for everything in my life.

Yeah, Tug nodded.

Cutter looked at him for a second before continuing. So yeah, he said. I’m real excited when you bring out food. In fact it’s my only excitement, he said. Unless you’re gonna let me drive your truck, he said. 

Yeah, Tug said and licked himself.

Jesus, Cutter said staring at him.

Do I have to be a dog?, he said.

So- My littlest sister read the first chapter of my book.

She said- It left me going what the hell is going on?

She said- Where the hell r these crazy people?

She said- Send me more immediately!!!!

She said- It’s awesome!!!!!

I’d tried to remain cool and aloof and uncaring, but honestly? I’ve been fist pumping and high-fiving myself all day.