Category Archives: doggy diarrhea

In my defense, I had already valiantly marshalled through five whole days of a devastatingly brutal head cold.

I had stoically stood up to my constantly running nose, my unbearably itchy eyes, and my life-changing, 24-hour-a-day, stuffiness and pressure gradient headache. I felt that I had bravely accepted my fate as manfully as I could.

I had toughed it out, enduring the barely endurable, but could endure no more.

Every man has his limits, his breaking point, and by Friday I’d reached the very zenith of my suffering. I had climbed my mountain of misery and stood on the pinnacle of my pain.

I had to do something.

I could stand it no more.

So I waited until Miss Carol went up to bed. And then I waited until I heard her snoring quietly. And then I waited a little bit longer, just to be sure.

And then I crept up the stairs to our bedroom, stripped down and slid sniffling and mucousy into our bed next to her. I laid awake a long time thinking about what I was thinking about doing.

And then I leaned over and gave the gently sleeping Miss Carol a long, slobbery, cold-virus-transferring, soul kiss.

ohboy.

I sure hope there are air-conditioned seats in hell.

So yeah.

I’ve made it halfway. If I was running a marathon I’d be sucking down juices and wolfing energy bars and wondering why the hell I’d ever started this in the first place.

Oh wait.

I am and I am, except the juices are coldies and the energy bars are, well, more coldies.

I was going great guns and then on Friday I had a drunken energy bar moment and somehow forgot to save like 1200 words. Then, on Saturday, Miss Carol and me joined some friends on a boat ride to a pig-pickin’ and when I got home I tried to write and it looked like this-

thijeuuo, wnnoeihrfla;, owoowhiiok

So I gave up.

When I awoke on Sunday, I was facing a 4000 word day just to catch up with the ever relentless word count that is NaNoWriMoandMo.

I honestly didn’t think I could do it, I was painting the big L on my forehead when Miss Carol said, buck up little buckeroo. Man up, you can do it, she said, waving her pompoms.

So I sat down.

And I did it.

I wouldn’t wanna do it again, but I DID it, I caught up.

So, yeah, I’m feeling pretty awesome.

I just completed day nine of my NaNoWriMo, which means my word count is somewhere in the 14000 range.

My fingertips are uber-sensitive after typing that many words and the keys on my keyboard are shiny with use and hot to the touch.

And I wonder if it would be too chick-like to say that I’m plumbing depths never plumbed, that I love peeling away these layers of me and applying new lipstick to what remains.

It wouldn’t, would it?

Be too chick-like, I mean.

Whew.

What a ride. I wouldn’t suggest everyone throw themselves up against this NaNoWriMoShit, but it sure is working it’s magic on me.

One of these days, I’m gonna sit down and write a long letter- Neil Young

Folks, I’m goin’ on an adventure.

National Novel Writing Month is the birthchild of somebody or a group of somebodies somewhere and it’s something that I’ve thought about tossing myself up against for years. And every year I found lots and loads of reasons not to do it, mostly ’cause not doin’s easy, right?

NaNoWriMo is a marathon writing event. It’s a solo sail around the world, solitary climb of Mt. Everest, grueling triathlon event for those of us who don’t do those things. A sedentary marathon, if such a thing exists. Think running a 10K EVERY DAMN DAY for  a month, with nobody watching or caring. WHO does that?

Julicoolio, stop waving your hands.

The goal is to write a 50,000 word novel in a month. For the mathematically challenged, that’s 1666.66666666 words each and every day and it’s something that scares me not just a little bit. (Put in perspective-my crappy posts average 250-500 words and take me 2-3 hours to spew.) And even though there are no winners or losers, only finishers, once entered, I’m gonna have to finish, so, yeah, there are big parts of me wondering why I even want to attempt NaNoWriMo. So.

Big breath.

Truth is, I’m stuck. I’m mired in my me-ness. I write this oceandoggy.com stuff a couple a three times a week but not much else. Every night, if it’s not too late when I’m done, I’ll open up other stories I’ve been pretending to work on and I’ll stare at them bleary and beery-eyed and blankfaced and promise myself I’ll work on ’em TOMORROW.

And the tomorrows keep rolling relentlessly in ’til the string stretches out and you find yourself thinking, yeah, I need this jolting forcefeed. So that’s why I’m doin’ it- even though it might sound a death knell for my little blog, or, worse, that it’ll pound a stake into my heart of dreams I’ve held dearly dear forever.

As far as my goofy blog goes, I’m gonna try and post as often as I can while I slog through the daily 26 mile run and 110 mile bike ride and the ascent above the clouds, but I just don’t know how much gas I’ll have left.

Stick with me.

See you in December.

I’ve got a problem. Or maybe, probably, more realistically, problems.

Like with this, I mean, these.

And, yeah, these are my problems too.

And, hooboy, I definitely have tons of problems with these, I mean this. (see what I did there?)

But, honestly? my biggest problem is with these.

Books.

I love books. I love their feel and their smell. I love their fonts and their paper and their content, and I love how their authors’ open up their hearts and souls and let me revel in ’em and roll around in it.

I love them books so much that every Sunday I live to prowl the New York Times bestseller list and reviews hunting down new books that Amazon.com’ll bring home to me.

Which is normally OK, ’cause I normally kinda keep up with what I buy.

But lately, what with everything swirling around me, not the least of which, did I mention, I’m a trucker now?

No?

Well I am. So, yeah, I’m falling behind.

And I’m watching the slowly cresting wave of soft and hardcover bound pages of words rising up ever higher in my Me Only Room and I’m wondering how and if ever I’ll catch it.

But I know I gotta, ’cause there’s more comin’ where they came from, and I love them.

So, yeah, it’s a problem.

Trixie,  when I got home on Thursday and saw the FedEx sticker on the front door I just knew they had tried to deliver you while I was at work and waiting for you.

And yeah, I coulda just signed the door tag and they would’ve dropped you off like they always do, but then you would’ve spent our whole first day slumped under a nasty old door mat and I couldn’t have that, baby, so I called FedEx and had them hold you in their nice warm warehouse and then I got up really early this morning and drove to the FedEx location and stood at the window with my hands cupped around my face staring into the darkened office until they opened up so I was the first one in line and boy were they ever happy to see me.

I flashed the nice lady my CLASS A TRUCKERS ID and signed for you and ran back out to my MR.GREENE. and opened you up and turned you on. And Trixie, when you came alive in my hands that first time, I knew my life was complete.

And, ya know, I tried to work today, but I just couldn’t. I kept thinking of you and then taking you out of my pocket and staring at you. I love the way you kept quietly vibrating with happiness.

What’s that Trixie?

Oh.

Those were phone calls?

Anyway. I tried my best to get something, anything, done but it wasn’t a happenin’ thing, so we left a little early and went to the Verizon store and bought you some see-through screen protection and a teeny, tiny, little Reveal frame string bikini to protect your dainty parts. Sweetheart, you look sooo cute in them.

And, ooh, the happy little purring sounds you made while we were shopping made me almost burst with pride and love.

Huh? Those were incoming e-mails? Shit. I forgot how smart you are, my little Trixie.

Anyway. I’m pretty sure that in the days and weeks and months of happiness and love ahead you’ll show me all your little secrets. But for now, my glassy, glossy little heartthrob, rest happy.

I know it’s been a long day.

I hadn’t wanted a smart phone.

I’d barely liked the stupid phone I have. It’s such a necessary annoyance that I post pictures of topless babes on my main wallpaper to make me want to answer the damn thing.

So you can imagine my surprise when I fell in love after the briefest of flings.

I had to go to the Verizon store for something or other and while I was waiting to be helped, I found myself fondling the iPhone4. I looooved her glossy, glassy feel and as I felt her up, I was, well, you know, actually chubbin’, and as I clutched her,  I whispered- I want you.

I glanced around.

Then, my little iPhone chirped so I pushed the call button.

And her sultry little voice said, take me home. baby.

Holding her tight, I turned and tried to run out of the store but my little iPhone was tethered to the display with a leash.

FUCK I screamed when the leash jerked her out of my arms, slamming her into the side of the counter.

Can I help you, sir? the nice guy with the tie said.

Yesssssss I said. I’d like to purchase that iPhone, pointing.

The nice guy with the tie said, Sir that’s just a display unit. How about we pre-order you a brand spanking new iPhone4S?

You’ll love it, he said.

And I know I will. And I can’t wait for my newest BFF to be delivered so that we can start our life together.

But.

As I turned away from the display to do the paperwork I glanced woefully over my shoulder and I coulda’ sworn I heard an imploring little chirp.

And it tugged at my heart.

So this is how it works. I don’t have the ego for a blog.

I can’t understand why anyone besides me would find me even remotely interesting.

But I keep doing this ’cause my Mr. Narcissism takes up the slack. Most of the time he’s what fuels me so I can write something as silly as a blog about me.

I mean, c’mon, right?

My Mr. Narcissism’s the guy at the party who’s way too loud, way too drunk, way too out there. He bustles energetically into the room, shouldering through everybody upsetting drinks and  apologizing apologetically. He’s the guy you glom onto who sets himself up in the middle of the room and makes himself the center of attention even though eyes are rolling and heads and bodies are turning away, muttering sadly.

And even though he knows he’s probably spent, my Mr. Narcissism remains unfazed. For awhile, at least. He continues on droolingly, slatheringly, and drunkenly screaming EVERYBODY WANTS TO HEAR MY STORY, RIGHT??? while he’s gyrating wildly and dancing stupidly, until he passes out on the kitchen floor and I have to cover him up with a blanket.

Heaving a big sigh of relief, I look around blinking in the daylight and think and I say to myself that’s cool. Nobody’s really interested in my crap anyway, so in a way it’s a release, a slipping of the leash.

But just when I’m thinking about sneaking away and leaving all my bloggy friends behind he wakes up and my Mr. Narcissism winks at me and licks his lips and croaks- dude, let’s have a Bloody Mary.

And I’m right back in it.