Old people suck.

Sorry.

But they do.

In the last couple of months Miss Carol and me have been here amid sucky old people, and then, last week, when we had to get utility easements for electricity to The Little House of Horrors, Miss Carol had to speak to this old shithead, er, whoops, I mean, gentleman, whose property rubs up against ours.

Now, keep in mind, by us paying for the utility being run past his property enhances him and his future.

He doesn’t have to fork over the big bucks, he just hooks up, should he ever want to build.

So we were kinda surprised when Miss Carol called him and he reduced her to tears saying he’d NEVER allow us to put a telephone pole on his lot unless we bought his lot from him.

Come to find out, he’s an old dickhead with lots of time on his hands who just looooves to be a prick.

Do you spell asshole with a capital A?

Then.

I was walking the boys yesterday afternoon.

Whoops, stop, and back up.

I was waiting for the boys to finish eating before I could walk them and I saw this elderly, mostly bat-shit crazy couple walk up the street. They are local bat-shit crazies. He was dressed in the same old nasty dirty shit he’s always wearing and she was sporting her bag-lady seemingly seamless shapeless dress and overbearing do-rag.

They were muttering to one another as they went by.

So Cutter and Tug finish up and we head out for the evening yank-around. As we head up the street I see that the bat-shit crazies have turned and are heading back and they’re still muttering about important stuff, I am sure.

They get closer and closer, and I’m like? WTF? are they gonna just walk on top of us and stomp me and the boys into the road with their shitty Wal-Mart walkers?

Then as they pass Mrs. Bat-Shit Crazy says- you’re walking on the wrong side of the street boy.

I turn, thinking, no way Mrs. Bat-Shit Crazy is talking to me and thinking, if she is, maybe I’ll kick the shit out of Mr. Bat-Shit Crazy.

Sorry. That was just how my day was going.

But as they scurried away Mrs. Bat-Shit Crazy started to scream at me over her shoulder about the importance of walking facing oncoming traffic. Mr. Bat-Shit Crazy just kept going, slumped.

I stood, mesmerized, Cutter and Tug jerking and yanking, and I wondered how much it must suck to get old and realize your lap is over. You’re done. You’re just waiting it out, marking out the final ticks of time.

And I thought how I’ll probably suck when I get old.

But I yelled, Fuck you bitch, into the face of her screeching, anyway.

I’m not proud of that.

Fuckers.

So Brian and Shannon are just crazy kids, hangin’ out in their trailer, trying to make ends meet, right?

So cute you just want to squeeze ’em and hug ’em like little puppies, right?.

Except, whoa, wait just one fucking minute- this cute as all git out couple- have caged their daughter, feeding her one mother-fucking pop-tart a day. She’s maybe six and maybe weighs all of 15 pounds.

Oh, and there’s another kid buried under their trailer.

Whoops. Mistakes abound.

Whoa. WTF?

But, hey, now that they’re happily married and have ANOTHER kid that they’re happily parading around as legit, or whatever, we’re supposed to like them?

Not a chance.

I can’t tell you how fucking pissed off I am what these little fuckers did to two little kids. My teeth grind.

As adults, do what you will to each other, cursing and hating one another, and being pricks back and forth, but leave the little kids out of it.

OK?

I mean, really.

O-FUCKING-K???

Stumble.

I’m not bitchin’ or pissin’ or moanin’ or anything, ’cause, gosh, not THIS time, too?

But. ya’ know what? maybe I am.

‘Cause, baby, I’m tired.

I’d wanted to

And I really tried to

But I swore I’d never

And then I did.

Dude, I’ve been working seven days a week for months now. My eyeballs have started to vacillate and I’m making crappy decisions and I’m not sleeping and, ooh, poor little baby, whatever, stop your pussy-boy whining, right?

Right-e-o, neighbor. Check and double check that, babe.

But the effort’s changing shit.

Ya know?

The Hours.

I first heard of Michael Cunningham when I listened to one of his books on CD.

Yup.

I’m one of those nerds who listen to books while I drive. Goofily, flailing, whatever, dude.

I listened to the reading of his A HOME AT THE END OF THE WORLD and was hooked. I’d have his child if Miss Carol would let me.

I bought the book so Miss Carol could read it ’cause she’s not as nerdy or needy as me and while I was Amazoning shit I picked up THE HOURS.

Big breath. In and out, slowly.

Maybe I’m straining my credibility just a tad, like I have anything remotely resembling anything like credibility, but still, hang with me. OK?

‘Cause I’ll tell ya, I think this is the best book I’ve ever read. Papa Hemingway, Mister Steinbeck, Cormac McCarthy? you boys need to sit on the couch.

And it torches my soul to say that.

But. SHIT.

THE HOURS is so beautifully written you can literally open it at random, to any page, and start reading and wonder why you never opened it earlier, and maybe wonder when you’re gonna pick it up and read it’s little parts again.

And just when you’re thinking the tickling is fun, the ending is so searingly amazing that it not only makes you realize just how small and meaningless your life is but makes you wanna stop letting your life be so small and meaningless.

It’s that fucking good.

Tug. Remix.

Dogs are funny people.

They’re endlessly evolving while never quite maturing into anything. It’s kinda like living with little kids that never grow up.

They just seem to spark new shit for whatever unknown reason.

So it shouldn’t have been surprising the other night when I was grinding coffee beans for Miss Carols’ morning coffee and Tug started howling.

I mean like a wolf howling at the moon kinda howling.

I listened, grinning for a coupla minutes before shutting it down and saying-

You’re a fucking retard.

Tug panted and grinned and Cutter looked around nervously not understanding.

What is up with that? I said.

If dogs could shrug, Tug shrugged and said- I was just singing along.

You’re kiddin’ me, right? I said- tell me you’re kidding me.

Nah, he said, his tail starting to wag. Hit that button again, I like it. It grooves my bones, he said.

And I did.

And he did.

Book me Danno.

I went into a bookstore the other day. (I know, who goes into THOSE anymore? what IS the matter with me?)

Books, baby.

Let’s us touch the crucible. Let’s us look longingly into the gilt.

‘Cause ya know that’s what we all of us really want and need and yearn for with fibers of our being we’re not even sure we have and would stake the heads of our enemies on. Right?

Books.

The lovely pages.

We, the blogger nation,  somehow yearn for pages of print, how weird is that?

We write our singular treatises expunging nothing but angst into the ether of the internet- pounding out the pithy- and then we curl up around a dog-eared sun-warmed shitty paperback.

And looooooong for it.

Why is that?

How is it that the whole world’s digital onslaught of ones and zeros hasn’t somehow coldly killed the lowly book? Why is it that  a books’ clean and newly printed pages beckon us like cigarettes in a freshly opened pack?

Hmmmmmm.

Fuck if I know, ’cause, well, shit, honestly, I’m not that smart?

But I think of these things and they make me wonder.

Maybe we clutch.

Thematic. Maybe?

So.

I think we’re maybe getting closer to something resembling the possiblities of what could pass for in somebody else’s dream sequence as a dream home.

For me right now, though, it’s a wickedly snarling thing run to trail wrapped up in a nightmare spiked with vodka and set on fire.

Hooboy, ain’t that the fun shit you tuned in for?

I’m sorry.

Let me rephrase all that.

The Little House of Horrors is a full metal jacketed round boring into my forehead if I don’t do something and soon.

Whew. Is that better? No?

I think it’s one of THOSE nights, maybe then.

*total horizontal hand wag*

Don’t get me wrong. I’m pretty sure once it’s done and it’s the little house of the best times and parties ever in the history of everybody we’ve ever known we’ll wonder why we didn’t build it and drink and eat like conquering heroes sooner.

I know these things. But, dude, right now? It’s a pestilence, a scratchy patch on my face that festers annoyingly. Honest.

Anyway.

At least Miss Carol and me picked out the stanchions whose lonely light will theme our Little House of Horrors.

Ever since South Beach I’ve been mainlined to the idea of stanchions dimly lit.

And Miss Carol and me finally found some we both like. We’d been thinking The Little House of Horrors is gonna end up being slightly kinda hispanic and seductively recluse so we’d wanted to find something, you know, seductively reclusive? And mexican?

And we did. And a theme was born.

Think Zorro in a thong.

Pause.

You know how when you’re moving between one thing and the other thinking you know where you’re headed, but then, for whatever reason, shit changes and you stop for a second and gaze around and wonder afresh whichaways you were actually going?

I feel like that’s my life right now.

I wish this post was better, I wish I was a better person, but I’m not and it isn’t.

Sorry.

I suck.

I’m a little bit confused right now.

Tug.

Tug’s different.

He was last of the litter, left lonely in the corner of a plywood box wondering where all his brothers and sisters had got to. He’s a dog of few words.

So I listen to him more than Cutter- ’cause Cutter’s prattle can go on and on and on, ad nauseum. I mean really, that little fucker can talk a blue streak about nothing. You know, like a chick.

Tug came in tonight and stood looking up at me and said in his deeply baritone Darth Vader voice- you fucked up.

What? Why? I said.

THE RAPTURE is on the 21st NOT the 12th like you said, he said, darkly ominous. Read the papers dumbfuck, he said.

No wait, I chirped- the Christians can’t decide if THE RAPTURE is the 12th or the 21st or, if ever, so I was just putting shit out there.

Hmmpf, Tug said and sat down so he could lick his balls. He was done. He’s like that.

So.

Is Saturday the beginning of the end of the world or what?

According to the erudite prediction of an 89 year old retired civil engineer from Oakland CA who founded Family Radio Worldwide, the time window is noon to three pm.

I’m thinkin’ hold on tight baby, and leave the dirty dishes in the sink?

Right?

Steps.

Finally.

SOMEthing is done.

I know it’s only a small cog in a much bigger wheel, a tiny part of the larger whole, but it’s done and I never have to work on it again.

By it, I mean the outside stairs. The deck isn’t done and the railings aren’t installed but the steps themselves are DONE, baby.

Woo-Hoo. The Little House of Horrors has steps. No more humping shit up a ladder.

I rest my weary head in my exhausted arms and weep.

Until Phabulous Phil and his crew arrive to install the front door and the windows.

As he’s walking up my newly finished, slightly cherished stairs, he checks the tread overhang with a tape measure he’s carrying.

Inspector Dickhead’s gonna ping you on the treads he says.

WTF? Why?

You gotta have 3/4″ overhang and you only have 5/8″. Sorry dude he says and keeps going up to the stairs.

I stare up at what my life has become for a long, long, time.