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Does this truck make me look like a trucker?


Ok, so it’s been awhile.

Actually it’s been a long while, but you have to realize, every time I tried to come back to my blog I’d see the Tug posts and I wouldn’t and couldn’t get past them. It was like forgetting him, or worse yet, erasing him.

So I’d click in, sigh, and click out, and days became weeks and weeks became months.

And here we are. ‘Cause life moves on, right? So maybe I’m back. Let’s see.

One of the things that happened during those weeks and months was that I bought a new truck. He’s a 2005 Freightliner Columbia and he’s beautiful. I say he instead of  the she usually used for boats and trucks and stuff guys love because I’m probably gonna name him TugTug. (I know, I know, get over it already) He’s 515 horsepower of Detroit Diesel muscle and he’s been a long time coming.

I was more owner than operator of my first truck and I had five drivers in a year and a half. Each driver progressively wrecked my truck more and more until my fifth and final driver rolled her in NC and totaled her. (I still swing back and forth between relief that the driver wasn’t hurt and resentment that the driver wasn’t hurt)

So this time I decided I was gonna  be the driver as well as the owner and I found this Freightliner and bought her, I mean him, and she, I mean he, was a truck I could afford to to own and run even if I could only drive her, I mean him, a couple of days a month.

And so that’s what I did, or rather, what I’ve done.

Me and TugTug.

Requiem finis.

Miss Carol wanted all of us to have Tug closure, and she decided that the best way possible would be a group remembrance.

So on the day that Miss Carol ordained, we three of us gathered around Tug’s marble urn and were solemn.

Miss Carol started first. I’ll always remember how Tug woofed, she said.

She looked to me. I thought for a moment and said, I want to always remember how Tug would thump down next to me in bed at night.

We both looked at Cutter. Cutter cleared his throat and said, I remember how he was always eating out of both bowls and licking all the food. Fucking disgusting.

Miss Carol glared at him.

Cutter, I said.

Miss Carol took a turn again. I’ll never forget his coat, she said, the way it curled and spiraled down his back and off his tail. She looked wistful. How soft it was.

She turned to me, her eyes filling.

I loved Tug’s gentle giantness, I said, I’ll always miss the way he’d nudge me when he wanted something.

We both looked at Cutter. OK, OK, he said, I’ll never forget him humping me all the time. What a homo.

Miss Carol glared at me this time. Like it was my fault.

Cutter, I said.

Miss Carol stared at Tug’s urn and said, I’ll always love you TugTug.

And I said, I’ll always miss you sitting on my chest when it was time to get up.

We paused and Miss Carol wept.

And Cutter looked at both of us and said, I just want my brother back.


Goodbye Tug.

Requiem Dolce.


I miss you Tug.

I never knew just how much I loved you.



So it’s a week after Tug and I’m sitting at my Me Only Desk in the Me Only Room staring at my sleeping laptop with a rapidly warming beer in my fist when I hear a quiet throat-clearing behind me.

I swirl around in my Me Only Chair and see Cutter sitting and looking up at me.

When’s my brother coming back? he asks softly. And shifts from paw to paw.

Um, I say, he’s not.

Why not? Cutter asks. What did you do with him? Where did he go?

I squeeze back tears and say- Tug got very sick, very quickly, and we couldn’t save him.

So you put him down, Cutter says.

Yes, I say, weeping now.

And you didn’t let me see him, Cutter says.

No, I bawl.

I’m sorry, I whisper.

Cutter glares at me and opens and closes his mouth and says- Well. Fuck you then.

And turns and walks away.


The End of Tug.



I never thought that Friday’s dinner would be your last.

I never thought that Saturday’s slight limp would morph into something so painful we needed to take you to an E.R.

I never thought that when we got you home, that it could worsen. But it did.

I never thought that we’d have to take you back to the E.R. on Sunday night with a painful, and almost complete, paralysis of your hindquarters.

I never thought that I’d ever, ever, have to leave you in an E.R.

I never thought you’d never come home.

I never thought that I could feel so much hope when you ate a couple pieces of the cheese I brought you on Wednesday.

I never thought that we’d get that call at 3 this morning.

I never thought that I’d ever see you at the center of so much attention in an E.R.

I never thought that I’d be signing an euthanasia authorization less than a week after you woke up with a limp.

I never thought I’d be saying goodbye so soon.

Tug 2005-2015



This is probably my most favorite card that I received for my birthday this year and not for reasons you might think. I won’t tell you who sent it to me, because Jay knows who he is and because many mutual manly male friends might frown on pink cards.

So nope, it’s not the pinkness, nor is it the tattoo on her breast.

It’s the blushing, princess-ness thankfulness she’s exuding that makes it my favorite birthday card.

“Cause that’s how I feel.

Honestly. I was overwhelmed with the texts, the e-mails, the card, and the calls that I received on my birthday. I had no idea I had so many caring friends and caring family. I was deeply moved and wanted to reply to each and every one of you but I couldn’t because the sheer repetition was daunting and because I’m not Facebook fluent enough to do some kind of gang tag group hug, I figured this was my only next best way.

So yeah. Thank you all.

I’ll always be your princess.


Yesterday, for the first time ever in their lives, Cutter and Tug spent the day apart.

For about a year now, Tug’s breath has been peeling the paint. It was awful. It was so bad I’d started calling him ass-breath and when we were at the vets’ for the boys annual check-up, the doctor, gagging, had told us Tug needed his teeth cleaned and, waving a hand in front of her face to clear the air, not to bring him back until we were ready to do it.

Instead, we hemmed and we hawed and we tried other cheaper ways to get his teeth clean and his breath fresh. We tried enzyme chews. Which he hated. We tried brushing his teeth with beef flavored toothpaste. Which he hated. We tried to ignore the problem, hoping it would fix itself and go away. Which it didn’t.

So we finally gave up and made the appointment and yesterday was the day and I was bringing home a druggy Tug. A far different Tug from the Tug who had left in the morning.

Cutter came tearing down the stairs excitedly barking and impatiently wriggling. He ran up to us but stopped short when he saw his litter-mate. Tug kinda stood, swaying gently and drooling, staring kinda blankly at one of the pilings that support our house.

Mouf, Tug said to the piling.

Cutter looked at him for a long minute and then, cocking his head, looked up at me and said, Holy shit, what did you do to him?

I didn’t do anything to him, I said, getting instantly defensive. Tug had to have an orthodontic procedure, I said, he’s had his teeth cleaned and he had to have five rotten molars extracted, I said.

Mouf, Tug said to the piling again.

Cutter returned his gaze to Tug. He stared at him and then said- he’s gross.

Mouf, Tug said again, drooling a bloody drool.

Ew, Cutter said.

He’s not gross, I said, he’s sedated and I want you to be nice to him until he recovers.

Cutter looked from Tug to me and back to Tug again and then walked over to Tug and gently nudged him with his nose. Mouf, Tug said, stumbling sideways and almost falling.

Cutter looked up at me, a grin beginning. Whoa, he said, this could be fun.