Monthly Archives: April 2010

WOW.

I don’t like confrontation of any kind. I kinda just like hangin’, ya know?

OK. A little back story.

Last fall I did some work for this old woman. Let’s call her WOW (as in, wacked-out-woman). Among other things I replaced the locksets on a couple of her doors. While I worked she told me how hard her life was, how frightened she was, and how she felt that her granddaughter’s husband had broken into her house.

She seemed like a pitiable little thing, kinda like a little field mouse caught in the headlights. Seemingly a little shocked by what life was tossing at her.

I felt bad for her.

But as I worked on her house over the course of the next several days I started to realize she was maybe not so innocent or sorry seeming. She was coldly calculating and ya know, like maybe a WOW?

Fast forward a couple a months and she’s calling me wanting me to send her something in writing detailing the damage done to her front door (um, none?) by her granddaughter’s husband whom she’s had arrested for felony property destruction with intent.

Oh fuck. Like I need this.

So I e-mail the scary little WOW a short declarative stating what I’d seen and done and figured that’d be the end of it, right?

Not a chance, not so fast Mister.

Fast forward a couple a more months and on Monday I get home and have a subpoena rubber banded to my door requesting my attendance in court.

Hoo boy.

So I go to court. And the mousey WOW thanks me like I have choice and tells me what she and her lawyer want me to say. I nod and don’t listen. There ain’t no way I’m lyin’ for anybody.

Well maybe for Miss Carol or Cutter or Tug. But that’s it.

And we go into court-a weirdly surreal place I’ve never been to-and go through the whole swearing in, questioning, witness-calling experience.

In the end the rodent WOW had no evidence other than a smoldering hatred for her granddaughter’s husband. The case was dismissed and I felt kinda glad for the guy.

I don’t know. nor will I ever, the whole story, but I was amazed and sickened by that woman’s driving vindictiveness and vile hatred. It opened a door into the human spirit I hope to never see again.

WOW.

Outsider looking in.

My Insiders All Access Pass got cancelled last night.

It was Ladie’s Night and it was Miss Carol’s turn to host(ess?) which meant I was supposed to take my nasty male bits and disappear.

And I tried.

Fleeing the estrogen cloud I went upstairs with a book, some beers, and a really cool feel for an evening spent drinking and reading quietly and alone.

And I tried.

But then Miss Carol started bringing tour groups up to see our upstairs, women who had somehow missed seeing our, um, bedroom? And me? Sitting there reading and drinking and maybe looking forlorn and lonely all by myself?

It was a little bit like being in a petting zoo.

So I smiled and hugged and laughed and talked and wondered if there would be some kinda reciprocity and I could get some of their food.

But there wasn’t and I didn’t.

Damn.

Sunday. Bigday.

Yesterday started out lookin’ like it was gonna be epic and maybe life changing. Miss Carol was gonna work on her cure for cancer and I’d decided that World Peace was at the top of my list of must do’s.

But then this happened.

Which meant this.

And lots and lots of this.

Which, you know, led to this.

Which meant life was good, just not overly productive.

MORE Truck Stuff.

I promise this is it. This is all of it.

I know how all y’all just LOVE the truck storyline. Honestly-I can tell from the blog stats.

But I gotta do this, OK?

When last we left my miserable truck story I had, for some reason, treated Miss Carol and me to a new truck, something I’ve not had for twenty-one years (I started driving Big Black when I was 4). Apprehension was my constant kissing cousin keeping me up at night and tugging at me all day long.

Change can be tough and I wasn’t totally sure I’d done the right thing kicking Big Black to the curb and taking up totally heterosexual relations with MR.GREEN.

To make matters worse I almost immediately sold Big Black to a kinda douchey guy but backed out at the last minute. I just couldn’t do it. I just wasn’t ready. The separation anxiety was killin’ me.

So the douchey guy bought Mighty Whitey instead. (I wasn’t NEARLY as attached to the Suburban as I was to my Big Black)

Did I just share that?

Anyway.

Mighty Whitey’s gone and soon so will be Big Black. An old friend of mine’s gonna buy him, put bench seats in the bed of the truck, hang an awning from the ladder rack and park him over on the beach in Carova.

Yup. Big Black’s gonna end his days transporting people back and forth to the beach, being a party barge and resting during the winters and staring at the ocean.

I can handle that, I think.

so.

it’s goodbye, my old friend.

Spring.

Holy crap.

Spring struck like a thunderclap this year. Seems like it went from 45 degrees and cloudy and windy to 90 and balmy in the space of day or two.

And with the warmer temps the tourons came streaming in, an endless line of sillily packed cars packed chock-a-block full of spring breakiness. Used to be, touron season was the 100 days war between Memorial Day and Labor Day when they’d all finally leave.

Not no more.

Thanks to the City’s ever vigilant efforts the tourons flock back as soon as it’s warm enough to squeeze sun-challenged pudginess into shorts and bathing suits. And black socks. And bad hawaiian shirts. And neon everything, from t-shirts to sunglasses.

And while I yearn for the warmer weather and summertime I also gird myself, facing it with not a little dread. Gone is the relative solitude of winter. Gone are the empty beaches and keening wind. Another touron season is bearing down on us. Another year of noisy new neighbors every weekend reminding you that THEY’RE ON VACATION.

Woohoo.

Which can be cool, sorta.

‘Cept it gets old after a couple a weeks and at times you find yourself longing for October.

So we grins and we bears it, right?

Knowing shit could be worse, right?

um, right?

Fambly.

Easter.

Embracing our self-indulgent lifestyle Miss Carol and me decided long ago not to have any kids of our own. Miss Carol is one of twelve and I have a brother and two sisters. We have countless nephews and nieces. Well maybe not countless, but lots and lots and we always have a crowd on weekends and holidays and this weekend was no exception. Miss Carol’s mom and dad and one of her brothers and his wife and five kids and two other couples, friends of ours that had been planning on spending Easter separately and alone, joined us on Sunday.

I was surprised how much I enjoyed it.

There was a time, not too long ago, when a bunch of people in our house was kinda irritating. I know it sounds terrible but I treasured my private space and lonely rituals and protected it and them bitterly and jealously. After the initial glow of seeing friends and family I’d fairly quickly retreat into the dark little piece of crap I was rapidly becoming, waiting impatiently for them to leave.

Fortunately for me Miss Carol cared very little for my sensitivities and fragile male ego and just kept on planning large family and friend gatherings, forcing me to be a part and not become THAT man. You know, THAT man, the one wandering aimlessly in the grease stained trench coat, dumpster diving in ratty tennis shoes, and mumbling to himself and the hubcap he clutches to his chest like a life ring.

THAT man.

Because of Miss Carol’s relentless socialness I’ve gradually somehow, some kinda way gotten way better. And now I truly enjoy the crowded truckload of kids, mess, noise, laughter and fun that backs up beeping to our house on weekends and holidays.

It’s nice.

Real nice.

Writin’

Ya know how sometimes you just sit, your mouth dry wondering where the next word’ll come from, the next phrase, the next whatever.

And ya sit, blowing spit bubbles while your mind races not connecting, gears stripped and smoking.

And you think.

Why?

Why do I put myself through this? For what?

Why bother?

Why not ease off the clutch and let it go. it ain’t goin’ anywhere anyway.

But you persist, like herpes.

‘Cause it’s in you like somethin’ that’ll never get out and you’re stuck.

Writin’s harder than I ever thought. I envisioned a cool existence sitting tap-tapping away in air conditioned comfort, far from the travails and hardship of construction.

Instead it’s different but just as tough, in a different way. And it saps you, which is a huge surprise.

Who knew?