Category Archives: Uncategorized

C’mon buddy.

On any other day I fucking love Stephen King. I’d read his laundry list, or his callout menu. Anything.

But this book? I don’t know. Maybe not so much.

Full Dark No Stars is four short stories with an afterword that maybe tries to apologize for them?

Let’s count them out.

The first is a kinda Edgar Allen Poe rip-off of the telltale heart. And I don’t know why it ends the way it does. If it was me, I’d a been cool with it.

The second is an inexplicably wild vigilante thingy that would NEVER happen. We all love relentless revenge and  you’d like it to happen, you want it to happen, but really?

The third is pretty cool- classic Stephen King.

The fourth story is something that you probably need to be married for decades and centuries to appreciate- but it’s probably the best of the stories.

And honestly? I’m a nobody and my review amounts to something way less than nothing.

But hey.

A seemingly long time ago Miss Carol and me painted the living room and kitchen for the umpteenth time. And for the umpteenth time Miss Carol decided she didn’t really like the color a week after we had, you know, painted it?

Maybe it’s a chick thing.

Anyway. A seemingly shorter time ago Miss Carol and my brother’s little cupcake were talking and the cupcake decided we should have an accent wall. And not just any accent wall, but an accent wall painted a dark blue.

Blue?

The whole outside of the house is painted blue. I live in the bluish nightmare of Miss Carol’s favorite color.

So I was kinda like, bleah?  More blue?

But the cupcake is good at this stuff and we’re not and she persisted. She took pictures of our living room and virtually painted it. And Miss Carol was sold- she was ten times excited, going- WOO-HOO!, BLUE!!! (did I mention blue is Miss Carol’s favorite you know? color?)

Anyway, fast forward to Sunday.

Miss Carol let me sleep in while she walked the boys. I was laying there listening to the howling wind and pounding rain and dreaming about a quiet day in The Me Only Room and thinking about how much I loved Miss Carol for walking the dogs while I practiced my slothfulness, when they all came bounding up the stairs wet and cold and happy to see me.

Cutter and Tug jumped up on the bed and buried me in their damp dogginess and Miss Carol asked if I was ready to paint the living room.

Um, fuck? Today? Shit. Damn. Aaaarrggh.

So Miss Carol thought for a second and then she stripped down and slipped back into bed to convince me just how much I’d love painting the living room.

And she was right.

And the cupcake was right.

The colors are amazingly warm. I’da thought they’d be waaaay too dark but not only are they not, I effing love the blue.

The cupcake rules. And she rocks.

And so does Miss Carol.

Even after all of our decades and centuries spent together, Miss Carol still has the capacity to surprise me sometimes.

The other night, while we were cocktailing, she looked directly at me and asked-

“Does a tattoo hurt”?

And I thought for a second and I said, “Nah, it’s more scratchy than painful”

Why?

And Miss Carol said “I’m thinking about getting one. A tattoo, I mean.”

um, Really?

And Miss Carol said “Yeah, I’m thinking about getting ror tattooed on my finger”.

And ya know what?

I was floored. I mean, I was totally, honestly moved. And it takes a LOT to move me, or even make me feel anything, somedays.

She looked at me and grinned and said,”yeah I think I’m gonna do it”.

And I know it sounds sooooo completely hokey and rednecky and white-trailer-trashy but I was all like, wow. Shoving aside the trailer-trashiness and hokey-redneckiness I thought it was so amazingly cool and heartfelt and just plain rub up against me good feeling that I didn’t even know what to say.

So I just kissed her and didn’t say anything.

Right?

The end of the road.

Miss Carol and me desperately needed proximity to the airport ’cause our quickie honeymoon redo was rapidly gasping it’s last breaths. We like short, intense vacations and this one was nearing it’s edges.

It was time.

We cruised into Fort Lauderdale feeling a little bruised and raw from two nights of hotel room rockin’ and rollin’  and immediately headed to an old haunt Miss Carol and me knew from the way way back seeking cocktails and something to eat. I mean ANYTHING eating-wise would’ve put a smile on my face.

But they were closed.

So we went across the street and sipped beers until they opened.

And when they did, we streamed in and get this? Our bartender was an ex-fashion model. Not only was she not hard on the eyes, her stories of her travels were flipping amazing. I mean, this chick had a billboard on Times Square. How cool is that?

Did I want to take her home with me? Oh yeah. But Miss Carol was staring at me sternly.

So we headed back out into the bland and vanilla-ee streets of Lauderdale. Fort Lauderdale to me is just kinda generic. It’s like every other mediocre beach place. A yawner. Even with spring break going on.

Yup.

Another spring break. And, honestly?, this one was kinda bland and vanilla-ee too. Miss Carol and me spent some time around the hotel pool and then, later on, cruised the streets and it seemed to be the same thing everywhere.

Dudes. Fort Lauderdale was chock-a-block full of little white girls with tiny discreet, easily hidden, and socially acceptable tattoos and probably familially approved belly piercings, hanging out sipping frozen and largely alcohol absent drinks sunning themselves and bitching and moaning about the quality of the mostly nerdy geeky guys flocking around them, whom, for their part, were murmuring nervously amongst themselves lest they draw the ire of the little princesses.

Whew. Is that a sentence or what?

It’s funny but the Offspring song Pretty Fly kept slipping in and around and slowly caressing my brain. It fit so perfectly what was going on around us, I had to laugh. What the hell happened to men?

Anyway.

Later on while I was peeing off the hotel roof, I had to reflect on the radically wild differences between spring breaks at South Beach and Lauderdale.

I’ll take South Beach any day.

When my most favorite little sister-in-law heard we were going to South Beach she actually groaned, you know, over the internet.

You’ve gotta be kidding, right? She said.

And I was all like, hey, hangin’ and clubbin’ with my homeys, homies, homeies, whatever, could be fun, right?

She groaned again internetally and gave up on me.

But ya know what?

She was wrong.

I flippin’ LOVED South Beach. I don’t know what it was or what it is but there’s a vibe there that just latched onto me and burrowed down deep.

I don’t know if it’s the cool architecture or maybe the singularly individualized lifeguard stands. Or maybe it’s probably all of the above.

Whatever dude.

‘Cause I mean, honestly?, who does this shit? Looooovvvve it, baby.

And even though we ran smack dab into the middle of southern college spring break (meaning LOTS of blacks that for whatever reason meant LOTS of cops with their cop cars and cop harleys parked militarily perpendicular across from the strip, watching and waiting and I only mention this because of the weird spring break juxtaposition coming up next?) South Beach is still one of the coolest places I’ve ever been.

It’s edgy and retro and waaaay laid back (except for the cops and spring breakers) and it’s all wrapped up in a warm tortilla of misty-eyed want that I need to go back and fondle repeatedly.

South Beach was the only place in our whirlwind Floridaaaayys Tour that I missed as soon as we were leaving.

I didn’t cry but, yeah, I teared up.

Ya know what?

Escapism, given certain constraints, has it’s merits. Like, loads of merits and let’s just tuck the constraints somewhere we don’t have to look at them. ummK? You with me?

Miss Carol and me escaped the Little House of Horrors last week for a couple of days in Florida. Actually it was our anniversary and it was one of those biggies that scream you better do SOMETHING SPECIAL.

So we did.

Decades and centuries ago, back when airplanes still had propellors, Miss Carol and me moved to Boca Raton to get married and live out our lives in beachy breeziness.

We felt we had to move away mostly because Miss Carol’s family didn’t much like me at the time and because we figured Florida was the best place to escape to.

The move didn’t last but our marriage did.

So last week we blew back down to the scene of the crime and we spent the first night in the hotel in Boca that we honeymooned in.

And it was, umm, interesting?

Way back when, in the murky then, before cars had engines, we’d been told by countless well wishers that Florida was chock-a-block full of old people and, at the time, I was all, like, so? C’mon Miss Carol, we’re MOVING, WOOHOO!! And getting MARRIED!! OOH BABY, BABY!!

Silly me but we found out just how true it was. Old people suck. Especially really rich old people.

But I’d forgotten just how much they suck and how crotchety and shitty and just plain crappy mean old people can get when they’ve got lots and lots of retirement time on their hands to stew in their crappy old meanness.

And Boca Raton is FULL of ’em.

So we hung out and used the hotel room like rock stars and tried not to breathe in too much of the old people smells.

And then we bolted for South Beach.

Dudes.

I am on such a tremendous tear right now. Three books into the new year and they’ve all been great. I feel like I’m on THE DRUG THAT IS CHARLIE SHEEN. First there was ROOM, then THE BAD GIRL, and now this.

THE SWEET HEREAFTER by Russell Banks is the story of a little town in upstate New York that suffers a huge tragedy when it’s sole school bus ferrying the town’s kids to school plunges into a quarry and a bunch of the children drown.

Before you get mad and hate me I’m not giving away the ending- this is the beginning- to a really good book about small town America and how folks handle shit when it’s thrown at ’em in big bunch’s like that.

Russell Banks tells his story from several different viewpoints including the slick-as-shit New York City lawyer trying to build a negligence lawsuit for some of the families whose kids died in the accident.

It sounds terribly depressing (even to me as I write this) but it’s an awesome book that, overall, leaves you feeling really good and really hopeful about people.

I loves me some Russell Banks.

Ya know?

There’s a reason some people win the Nobel and some don’t. There are books you read that’re really good and books you read that’re really great.

This one’s really great. Honest.

It’s kinda a chick story about a life-long one sided love affair. The bad girl keeps popping into the good boys’ life for brief visits over the span of their life constantly re-igniting his never ending lust and love for her over and over again.

It’s kinda like the Time Travelers Wife with the chick driving the bus.

And it’d be timelessly boring except the writing is sooooo fucking good. Translated from the spanish by Edith Grossman it’s lyrical and endearing and constantly cool.

If you’re a guy you want to hate the bad girl but you can’t. It’s that damn good.

And hey, on another note, like anyone cares- a LOT went on last week and I just haven’t had time to digest it all yet and that’s why I’m posting lame shit about books.

But that’s assuming anyone cares.

Ya know- when you’ve been married for decades and centuries shit shifts.

Blaring, glaringly, mega-watt spotlight on this weekend for example. What looked like, on the cover, a fun filled couple of days partying rapidly deteriorated into something not so much.

Saturday was my brother’s long awaited divorce party. We were girded and ready. What’s four or five hours of driving to drink in the sweet, sweet, nectar of freedom, right?

Even if that freedom roams freely about until three or four in the morning and Miss Carol and me have to get up at five sos’ I can drive MR.GREENE. back home again. Hey, whatever.

Then.

We have brunchy brunch with our friends who’re housesitting and dogsitting the boys and the Bloody Mary’s spill over into the beers kinda flowing with the eggs and sausages and before you know it, it’s starting all over again.

Then.

We saddle up AGAIN and drive to P-town where I’m thinkin’ we’ll be honeymooning in a hotel room overlooking the Elizabeth River swapping spit and body fluids all afternoon.

But then.

Miss Carol decides it’s nappy nap time. ALL afternoon. Into the night. To the point where I give up on the honeymooning and spit sharing, and take a lonely shower and wake the somnambulant Miss Carol so’s we can catch the water taxi to Norfolk and the Mr. Anthony Bourdain Show.

So then.

Miss Carol wakes up cranky. Honestly? It’s the reason I DON’T take naps- I always wake up cranky and hating everything and everybody. I’ll sleep when I’m dead thankyouverymuch.

And the much more then?

I’m no where NEAR Mr. Perfect. In fact, I’m Mr. Asshole lots of times. ‘Nuff said, right? So we endured the evening gritting it out like only peeps married for a VERY long time can and do. And then we endured the rest of the night. And then we endured sharing a hotel room. And then we endured an early morning ride back home.

And now we’re enduring tonight.

Is marriage and its’ decades and centuries spent together fun, or WHAT?

Ever had one of those things that hurts so bad you just grit and endure, knowing it’s not going away and knowing it sucks so bad it’s gonna fuck with your life for days?

I’ve got one of them goin’ on.

I fucked up my knee working or maybe it’s gout and for the next several days I’m working on ladders. Go figure. The pain stretches.

And the thing that’s really sand in my bikini is that I can’t do all of the stuff that I’m supposed to- like walk Cutter and Tug. I feel like shit that Miss Carols’ gonna have to do it.

So I’m in a red haze and the pain’s the big dark baby eclipsing coherent thought and making this post suck.

Sorry.