I want to be a winner and yet I can’t.

For my birthday, along with the tickets to see Anthony Bourdain (my personal god), Miss Carol gave me a bunch of those scratch-off lottery thingies.

Thanks babe. Can you maybe steady the pistol while I blow my brains out?


These glittery jewels of scratchy hope are the most despairingly tiny little roller coasters of dashed dreams I’ve ever seen.

Their glitzy little whispered promises of $20,000, 10X, $50,000, bonus prizes, and millions and millions, make your palms sweaty and your nerves twitchy.

So you get caught up in it and you scratch.

‘Cause you’re drawn in. Who doesn’t want free money? And pulled in, you play the game, whether it’s matching PAYDAY NUMBERS or Aces and 8’s or bingo numbers or, my fucking favorite- The Super Bonus Crossword.

And you work it and you sweat and you hope and when the scratchin’s done and the scratching shavings are everywhere?


Nada. No way baby, not here, not now, not today, not never, now get your ass HOME boykins.

But, even through the relentless loserness, I keep trying, keep thinking, keep hoping, that my fortune is just a scratchy scratch away.

What DO they put on those things?

5 responses to “Looooooser.

  1. I just laughed myself into a gut-ache!! OMG. Too funny. That is cool that you are going to see Anthony B. Miss Carol picks the best gifts!

  2. Thirteen years ago four of us played the lottery….myself, two of my co-workers at that time and my boss, the man who owned the business. We each had out own little slips filled out with the Easy Pick box colored in. One co-worker went to get them…all in individual, sealed envelopes with our dollars tucked in. The jackpot….$13 million. She handed the four envelopes to the clerk all at one time….and then brought us back our little computer slips. Someone one the jackpot that night….I found out two days later it was my boss ~ and he won with an easy pick ticket. Four easy picks were bought that day….and he won with his. I was that freaking close to winning $13 million dollars….and I quit playing that day. I figure that is as close as I probably will get.

  3. SHIT. FUCK.
    How did you hold on?

    • I really felt like I had been gut punched when he told us….I don’t know, but it really did suck…really! Especially when he brought in the pay out check for over $7 million and showed us. 😐

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